we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
