Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Randomize
