I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
