i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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