i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
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