why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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