mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
