Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
