omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
