your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
