So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
