She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
