i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
