So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
