we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
