Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Found your dick twin last night
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
