Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Getting drunk in a different country is not a good idea. Lets just say spanish women, 17 yr olds from missouri, prostitutes, and a poodle. I don´t want to leave spain.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
