Your mouth is God's brothel.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
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