A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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