birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
