I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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