I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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