I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
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I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
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A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
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