you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
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My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
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But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.