you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?