We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
