i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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