Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
