Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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