After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Alive.
So much puke
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
