so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
