I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
