Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
