I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
