where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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