so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
