this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I wish you could order shots online.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
