her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
