i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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