she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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