Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
