Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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