Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
