I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Randomize
