I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
