Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
