its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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