Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Randomize
