Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
His nipple licking is glorious
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