We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
