oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
