i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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