The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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