Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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