i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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