Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
